giving up
Life is tough. It certainly isn't equal for everyone. Some have it easy, others have it difficult.
There was a moment a few days ago I was in my rented house and I was sat on my sofa after hanging up some laundry. I planned to go to the bed to spend my afternoon watching some videos but somehow I was rooted to sitting on the sofa. It was a heavy invisible weight on my shoulders coupled with gravity that made me just stay planted there for a while. I didn't have a phone in my hand. All I had was my mind.
And with my mind, I reminisced about how I arrived here at that moment throughout my 34 years. I was unhappy. Unhappy with work. Unhappy that I was not in good physical health. Unhappy because I cannot retire early. But mostly unhappy because I am not longer a Dada.
Technically I am still a father because I still have a daughter living on the same planet as myself. But we were torn apart due to certain people and their selfish actions. Even though divorce meant I cannot see my daughter daily, at least I was still able to call her every night. But lately, even that is not granted to me despite looking out for the welfare of people who do not care for me, while I struggle with whatever balance after paying for the other necessities of my life.Clearly, something has to change.
It is now clear to me that my days of being a Dada will soon be ending because there is no longer an emotional connection with my flesh and blood. I am not there to prevent her from being brainwashed against me. I cannot force her to love me when she sees my face only every two months. Days will become weeks, weeks will become months and months will become years. I am only seen as an ATM and nothing more than that.
The fact that she doesn't call makes it all the more worse. Most of the times I initiate calls several times a day, just to get through once and spend about 5 minutes asking about her day. And even with that other people cannot be gracious and allow me to have some rare moments of happiness being able to have my day brightened to hear my kid laugh at my shenanigans.
So I have decided, that it is pointless to keep hoping for the best. Unfortunately not all people in this world are kind. Some people wear a mask and put up an act to make friends or appear as good role models in their families. Their friends and family do not know this but in reality this person's heart is deep black, will expect to be given help but will never help others. That person will never change.
I accept it is fated. I cannot change destiny. Thus, I give up. There is nothing worth fighting for. For now, I am truly alone.
I have stopped caring.
-End-
There was a moment a few days ago I was in my rented house and I was sat on my sofa after hanging up some laundry. I planned to go to the bed to spend my afternoon watching some videos but somehow I was rooted to sitting on the sofa. It was a heavy invisible weight on my shoulders coupled with gravity that made me just stay planted there for a while. I didn't have a phone in my hand. All I had was my mind.
And with my mind, I reminisced about how I arrived here at that moment throughout my 34 years. I was unhappy. Unhappy with work. Unhappy that I was not in good physical health. Unhappy because I cannot retire early. But mostly unhappy because I am not longer a Dada.
Technically I am still a father because I still have a daughter living on the same planet as myself. But we were torn apart due to certain people and their selfish actions. Even though divorce meant I cannot see my daughter daily, at least I was still able to call her every night. But lately, even that is not granted to me despite looking out for the welfare of people who do not care for me, while I struggle with whatever balance after paying for the other necessities of my life.Clearly, something has to change.
It is now clear to me that my days of being a Dada will soon be ending because there is no longer an emotional connection with my flesh and blood. I am not there to prevent her from being brainwashed against me. I cannot force her to love me when she sees my face only every two months. Days will become weeks, weeks will become months and months will become years. I am only seen as an ATM and nothing more than that.
The fact that she doesn't call makes it all the more worse. Most of the times I initiate calls several times a day, just to get through once and spend about 5 minutes asking about her day. And even with that other people cannot be gracious and allow me to have some rare moments of happiness being able to have my day brightened to hear my kid laugh at my shenanigans.
So I have decided, that it is pointless to keep hoping for the best. Unfortunately not all people in this world are kind. Some people wear a mask and put up an act to make friends or appear as good role models in their families. Their friends and family do not know this but in reality this person's heart is deep black, will expect to be given help but will never help others. That person will never change.
I accept it is fated. I cannot change destiny. Thus, I give up. There is nothing worth fighting for. For now, I am truly alone.
I have stopped caring.
-End-
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